Silencing Silence

“When we silence victims we become complicit in the violence they experience.” Belinda Bauman, Reflections GC2 Summit.

I have silenced myself.  Or maybe I’ve allowed myself to be silenced, convinced the feelings of family and friends are more important than the healing power that comes from exposing the darkness to the light.  I am faced with the truth that I am committing violence upon myself by allowing myself to continue to be silenced. 

I am a survivor of prolonged childhood abuse. 

I have endured every kind of child abuse imaginable. I was abused by birth parents, foster parents, adopted parents, doctors, police, co-workers, and therapists.  I have been wounded with belts. Scissors. Hangers. Hands. Fists. Feet. Medications. Words. Oh, so many words, in so many ways.

At the GC2 Summit, Jeanette Salguero described herself as a thriving survivor. I sat in my chair, wondering how a person gets to that point.  I am a survivor.  But I don’t believe I am thriving.  There are days, nights, hours, weeks where I feel like I am barely able to breathe under the weight of memories.  When the simple act of looking at my 5 year old daughter crying steals my breath away because I remember my own tears and the sting of hands slapping my face because my voice was too loud.  My feelings too irrational. I am too irrational.

So, the process of silencing the silence begins. Typed words scrolling - slowly, slowly, slowly shedding shadows of darkness by the light of a pixelated screen.